The Amazing Anoka Police (Based on a True Story)

THE AMAZING ANOKA POLICE
(BASED ON A TRUE STORY)
By Tony Brunelle

TONY, SETH, CODY, OFFICER LENARD, OFFICER LOYDD, NARRATOR.

[Scene opens with Cody, Seth, and Tony on the upper part of the stage looking bored and kicking a bottle on the ground to each other. Narrator is stage right.]

NARRATOR
It was a bright afternoon around 5 o’clock in Anoka Minnesota while three boys decide to kill time and loiter around the top of a nearby parking ramp after visiting a local jazz concert. This is their story.

TONY
So I don’t see a reason why we are on this parking ramp

SETH
Well I’ts Anoka. There is only old people, old buildings and a jazz festival, which was SUPPOSED to be a rock n roll concert.

[SETH and TONY look at CODY with conviction]

CODY
So I misinterpreted the flyer. BIG DEAL! So sue me.

TONY
Did you misunderstand the part about the craft sale as well?

SETH
Yeah what a waste of time oh well at least we can get home in an hour.

TONY
Dude I am bored out of my mind

SETH
You’re telling me man.

CODY
Fellas fellas we can have all the fun we want. TONY CATCH!!!

[CODY throws the bottle towards TONY and it goes over the edge]
[TONY and SETH look at each other and laugh]

TONY
Well Cody you sure know how to spice up an evening

SETH
Yeah you sure are a crazy guy. I wish I partied with you more often [laughs]

[Alarm on parking ramp sounds]


TONY
What is going on? Did one of you guys touch a Mercedes?

SETH
I don’t know man but I don’t wanna find out im running for it

[SETH and TONY run stage right for the elevator station and push the elevator down button frantically while CODY stays there and looks over the edge for the bottle]

TONY
[speaking frantically] DUDE THE ELEVATOR IS TAKING FOREVER

SETH
Dude our only chance is to walk down the stairs casually we didn’t do anything wrong. It was Cody anyway

TONY
Alright I’m with you

[TONY and SETH start to walk down the stairs casually, meanwhile OFFICER LENARD and OFFICER LOYDD enter from stage right running as fast as they can]

[meanwhile CODY catches the elevator doors opening and gets in]

OFFICER LENARD
[speaking with extreme authority] STOP, YOU PUNKS!!!

[OFFICER LOYDD standing by OFFICER LENARD extremely out of breath]

TONY
Sir, I believe you have the wrong [interupted by OFFICER LENARD]

OFFICER LENARD
Save it for the judge, you little sneak, we don’t just let rapstalions like you two get away with littering to the 2nd degree.

SETH
Officer you don’t under [interupted by OFFICER LENARD]

OFFICER LENARD
Oh no you don’t, don’t try to lie to me Al Capone. You can either take the easy route and admit right now or you can just have a harder time getting out of juvenile court

SETH
[very surprised] J-J-J-JUVENILE COURT?

TONY
Officers, you have the wrong idea

[OFFICER LOYDD starts to catch his breath]
OFFICER LOYDD
[breath] We saw you two [breath] up there [breath] causing mischeif

OFFICER LENARD
[laughs] You thought you were gonna get away with it too. Well gentlemen I guess the mastermind teenagers are no match for the Anoka police. You better just admit to it right now.

TONY
Officer I swear that we didn’t do anything wrong we don’t even know what you’re talking about.

SETH
[said in panic] IT WAS US WE DID IT

TONY
[TONY looks at seth in surprise]
Seth? What the hell man?

SETH
Dude I can’t do time. It’s terrible in there.

[OFFICER LENARD begins to hand-cuff TONY and SETH]

OFFICER LOYDD
You two thought you were so smart

[laughs and gives a triumphant high five to OFFICER LENARD]

OFFICER LOYDD
I’ gonna go pull the car around

OFFICER LENARD
Yeah we got you this time

TONY
[speaking with anger]
LISTEN WE DIDN’T THROW THE BOTTLE IT WAS [interupted by SETH]

SETH
Tony don’t be a rat

TONY
No dude I’ not going to juvi for that kid.

SETH
Dude I don’t think you should

TONY
[speaking with anger once again]
Are you kidding me? Do you really wanna go to juvi for that? I mean its CODY man the kid who brought us here today, CODY is the culprit. Also I can’t risk another disappointment to my parents.

SETH
What do you mean?

TONY
I sort of dropped my sister off at the ice arena and forgot to pick her up.

SETH
So?

TONY
I was supposed to drop her off at volleyball practice.

OFFICER LENARD
You two quiet down. Anything you say can be recorded against you in a court.

TONY
Don’t you mean anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law?

OFFICER LENARD
Don’t back-sass me boy. It’s not helping your chances. That mouth of yours is gonna get you in a lot of trouble.

TONY
But all I said was [interupted by OFFICER LENARD]

OFFICER LENARD
Ah ah ah your best bet is to keep your mouth shut on this one sonny.

TONY
Officer you’re not listening we didn’t do it.

OFFICER LENARD
Oh no I not falling for that you already admitted to doing the crime so now you gotta do the time

SETH
Well it really wasn’t our fault

TONY
Yeah you gotta believe us

OFFICER LENARD
Oh yeah well where is the criminal then did he fly away

TONY
To be honest with you I don’t know

[CODY exits elevator to bottom left stage and walks right by OFFICER LENARD]

CODY
Good evening officer.


OFFICER LENARD
Oh good evening young man

TONY
[exitedly]
THAT’S HIM THAT’S THE CRIMINAL

OFFICER LENARD
[laughs] Like im gonna fall for that one. You got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the likes of the Anoka police force.

TONY
No seriously officer

SETH
That’s the guy. Honest.

OFFICER LENARD
You two are some of the worst liars I have ever met

[OFFICER LOYDD returns without the police car]

OFFICER LOYDD
Officer Lenard I cant get the car to start some hooligans syphoned our gas

OFFICER LENARD
Good grief what is the world coming too?

[OFFICER LENARD starts to repremand OFFICER LOYDD about how OFFICER LOYDD forgot to fill the tank before duty]

[TONY and SETH start to plot]

[TONY and SETH whispering]

TONY
Alright we’ll create a distraction.

SETH
Alright I’m down.

TONY
So you start yelling and screaming and saying that you have asthma and that you cant go on without your inhaler which conveniently is located in your back pocket and you need Officer Lenard to grab it for you

SETH
Ok

TONY
So then after he does that you kick him in the leg and I’ll grab his tazor at which point I will sub-due Officer Loydd. At that point you start to kick Officer Lenard. Then I’ll make my escape.


SETH
And . . . . ?

TONY
And what?

SETH
And how do I escape?

TONY
[realization] OH. Your escaping too? I thought we agreed I have more to live for?

SETH
[angrily] Oh jeez.

TONY
Ok ok ok new plan.

[pause]

TONY
Is there a possibilty of us digging our way out of this?

SETH
AWW JEEZ!! I’m being arrested with an idiot

TONY
Well I don’t see you coming up with any good ideas

SETH
Ok how about this. We create a distraction and say there are some kids robbing a bank down there see?

TONY
Gotcha

SETH
At that point we will run as fast as we can in the opposite direction.

TONY
I don’t see the exit strategy in that but I’ll go along seeing as there are no other alternatives

[OFFICER LOYDD and OFFICER LENARD realize them whispering]

OFFICER LOYDD
Hey hey hey this isnt a high school reunion now break it up you two..

SETH
Uh sorry officer we just couldn’t help but notice those kids robbing that bank

[OFFICER LENARD and OFFICER LOYDD both look the other way]

OFFICER LOYDD
[frantically] WHAT? WHERE?

[SETH and TONY run stage left while seconds later OFFICER LOYDD and OFFICER LENARD try to catch them]

NARRATORThe two boys ran and ran and ran all the way down main street only to discover they were running directly towards the Anoka County Courthouse where they encountered the Police station as well. Seth however gave them the slip by jumping in a nearby dumpster while Tony was caught and put into a cruiser and sent to Lino Lakes Detention center and was sentenced to 2 years in Juvenile Hall for 1 count of littering from a high area. No one knows what happened to Seth but it seems he was never caught nor convicted.